Reality Show Confessions

Apparently I am eating my own words (I once swore to never watch reality TV except for Survivor and The Amazing Race), but I find I like the taste of certain letters--like O (juicy and filling), B (honey-flavored), D (a full-bodied wine), J (tickles the throat), Q (like a good creme brulee), S (a cheese-oozy pizza with just the right amount of sauce and not a drop more), W (any drink with Grey Goose; your mood goes up and down and up and down based on how Goosed you get), Z (like a jalapeno pepper that sets each individual taste bud a-fire)--but I have found the alphabet to be quite palatable in certain situations.

Tori and Dean Inn Love (yes, I know the show's name has changed, but as I have the short-term memory of a gnat these days, I can't be expected to remember these things, or a lot of other things). Like most people probably, I figured her for yet one more talentless, overpriviledged, pampered child of a Hollywood actor/actress, producer, director. Let's be honest: no one would accuse her of being Oscar material, and some of the movies she has starred in? (My favorite is the ridiculously titled "Mother May I Sleep With Danger?" Can anything top that?) Anyway, bad actress she may be, but starring as herself? Perfect. Very sweet; a good mother; hard-working; genuine; generous; bitter-free though she has every right to be bitter given her hideous mother and being cheated out of what I would consider her rightful inheritance when her father died. Aaron Spelling was worth millions (billions?), and his widow is either so vengeful or so Scrooge-like that she couldn't part with a few million for her own daughter? I find that unfathomable. Especially considering Tori is very much a hard-working modern woman. Beyond spending lots of time and obviously lots of money on repeated cosmetic surgeries, is her mother half the worker bee her daughter is?

Anyway, I just love their show. She and Dean are good together and good parents; their children are adorable. With so much negativity in the world these days, their show is light-hearted and soothing. And just plain entertaining. And their show always makes me laugh at some point.

I started watching Gene Simmons Family Jewels out of curiosity. I was never a big KISS fan and Simmons in particular kind of creeped me out. But I love the show! He is Trump-like (and I mean that as a compliment, though I loathe Trump to the marrow of my bones) in that everything is a potential business opportunity. He's an obvious loving and doting father, and his children walk right over him regularly, lol. Shannon is every bit his match and a great mom. And I don't know why, but it amazes me how "normal" and without guile both of their children are. They seem well-grounded, which I would imagine is no easy feat in Hollyweird. And I would give a kidney to live in their home. What a gorgeous place.

Kirstie Alley's Big Life keeps me in constant hysterics. Her household is so wonderfully dysfunctional, how can you not love watching them interact? And pet lemurs? Where else but in Hollywood, lol. Though I wish she'd ditch her UNhandyman, Jim. I think he takes complete advantage of her generosity, though maybe that's just the editing. Either way, he is the only person on the show I don't like. I know the show hasn't had the most stellar ratings and it may even be off the air by now (come to think of it, I haven't seen an episode in some time; I just assumed they were on hiatus), but I think it's a great show. And I think it takes a lot of courage to be so open about her weight problems to the whole world, essentially putting herself out there to be ridiculed. You go, girl! (One eensy criticism: Do her kids do anything at all besides hang around the house? Not that they need to work for a living, but they seem to be completely aimless.)

Survivor. Still my favorite reality show (with the exception of the first two seasons and the New Orleans season of MTV's Real World). And if you haven't bothered checking out Survivor Sucks (http://survivorsucks.com/), you are depriving yourself of some terrific, hilarious commentary and even neologisms by the Suckster crowd. Some of my favorite expressions have come from that forum. Warning: not for the faint-hearted or the easily offended. Because nothing is sacred on Sucks. Everything and everyone is fair game for shredding. And the regulars joyfully take full advantage of the first amendment's right to free speech. But back to the show. How can you not love the Survivor lexicon alone? Pagonged. Ulonged. Tribal Council. Amanda-cide. Flying under the radar. Riding coattails. Curse of the car. The food challenge. Reward challenge. Immunity challenge. Immunity idol. Forming alliances. The Merge. "The tribe has spoken." "Survivors on your mark!" "Fire means life." The jury. The finale. And on and on. All of it a permanent part of our social culture, and yay for it. Pearl Island is still my favorite season, and the Robfather still my favorite player, but each and every season, even the "boring" ones, have their moments. And bless Jeff Probst in blue. Or in the buff. Preferably in the buff!

Who Are These Kardashians and Why Should We Care?

Have I been asleep like Rip van Winkle the past few years (okay, so in a sense, I was)? Can someone enlighten me as to who these creatures are, why they appear on my television constantly, no matter the channel? Are they like Paris Hilton, famous just for the sake of being famous or for having vile tempers or a really good PR person? Or desperately trying to be famous with the help of a greedy PR person? Just the little I've seen about them makes me think, aha! I have an idea for a new cable channel - VAPID. That could be the new cable channel home for people like these Kardashians; Paris Hilton; Lindsay Lohan and her mother; Kate Gosselin; Naomi Campbell; the Octomom; Jessica Simpleton, err, Simpson and her sibling; Anna-Nicole Smith (whoops, cross that one off), and whatever other celebrities, self-described or otherwise, who waste our precious viewing time? (Also add all those desperately-seeking-mate-and-15-minutes-of-fame-I-can-parlay-into-a-career women who appear on The Bachelor.) Corral them all onto just this channel and then the rest of the 100 or so channels would be blissfully "celebrity" free for you and me. I mean, just imagine all the people watching TV in peace? Yes, I may be a dreamer, but I know I'm not the only one.

Larry King - ICK

So he's getting divorced for like the 9th time? I find it hard to believe someone married him for a FIRST time. The guy is creepy, squared. Can you imagine being intimate with that? Ewwwwww! And I'm still struggling as to the point of his show's existence in the first place. Is it because he kisses the asses of his guests?

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